Sex on the Square
So what do you think your old, decrepit retired parents are doing in Florida?
Waiting to die? Frogs waiting to croak? Your mom or dad, alone, lonely, sitting with her head on the kitchen table? Poor mom. Poor dad.
Ask yourself this: Do they live in “The Villages?”
For the un-informed, The Villages is one of America’s largest retirement communities located about 70 miles northwest of Orlando, past all of those billboards for Jesus and unborn fetuses and boiled peanuts and gator meat.
“Suddenly, unexpectedly, drabness explodes into green Southern splendor: majestic oaks bearing spindly fronds of Spanish moss that hang down almost to the ground. What was once rolling pasture land has been leveled with clay and sand. Acres of palmetto, hummock, and pine forest clear-cut and covered with vivid sod. All around old men drive golf carts styled to look like German luxury automobiles or that have tinted windows and enclosures to guard against the morning chill, along a wide, paved cart path. It’s a bizarre sensation, like happening upon a geriatric man’s vision of heaven itself. You have just entered The Villages.”
This is one of the fastest growing small cities in America – over 100,000 people spread over three Florida counties. And 80% of all permanent residents must be 55 or older. No child under 17 is permitted for more than a short visit to grandma.
“The grass is always a deep Pakistan green. The sunrises and sunsets are so intensely pink and orange and red they look computer-enhanced. The water in the public pools is always the perfect temperature. Residents can play golf on one of 40 courses every day for free. Happy hour begins at 11 a.m. Musical entertainment can be found in three town squares 365 nights a year. It’s landlocked but somehow still feels coastal. There’s no (visible) poverty or suffering. There’s zero litter or dog shit on the sidewalks and hardly any crime and the laws governing the outside world don’t seem to apply here. You can be the you you’ve always dreamed of.”
And there are ten women for every man in The Villages. And with childbearing years and husbands long behind them, they are living the life too. Free, consensual, noncommittal sex with a new partner every night is an option.
An all powerful billionaire, Robert Morse, developed and runs the place. He owns all the retail space, shops, public land, golf courses and the local newspaper. He’s a big Republican donor and the place is 98% white with Republicans outnumbering Democrats by more than two to one.
There are “life style” clubs for everything from Art to cheerleading. Yes, cheerleading. There are over 2,000 clubs. The CIA retirees club meets on the 2nd Tuesday of every month.
But the fun part of The Villages is the sex!
“The sexual habits of The Villages’ inhabitants have become the primary lens for the way that just about every media outlet covers The Villages. Maybe it’s the only sane and easy way to deal with our most potent of our fears — aging, decline, impotency, death. The idea of olds fucking grosses us all out, but why is it so surprising? This place is inhabited by people who feel strongly that they’re not beholden to anybody.”
There are regular key parties at an Italian restaurant on Sumter Landing: “Golf cart keys get put in a fishbowl in the middle of the table, wives wait in the parking lot for their mystery dates” Women prowling bars indiscriminately offering oral sex. Local police regularly catching couples having sex in golf carts. It is a regular thing to see a sixty something blond trying to seduce a younger man at the bar – or someone her own age if that’s all that is available. Non committal. Free. One night stand.
The Villages made the big time recently when a 68 year old married woman was arrested along with her boy toy (19 years younger than her) for having sex in one of the three public squares. The police couldn’t hide this one and they each got 6 months in jail
She became somewhat of a folk hero – a bar named a drink after her – “Sex on the Square” – involving whipped cream and a cherry. A local band composed a song about her.
If you’re a single available guy and move in women will begin bringing casseroles to your front door. An old guy will need to partake of the local Viagra black market and keep in mind that The Villages has one of the highest STD rates in the nation.
Last October two Villagers were arrested by a Sumter County sheriff’s deputy after they engaged in sexual activity on a utility box at the intersection of two of the main roads. Upon arrival the deputy discovered a man and a woman, naked and fully engaged in sex.
According to the arrest affidavits, her shirt was pulled up over her breasts and her shorts and underwear were off. His sexual organ was fully exposed and he was standing in front of her. Horny little bastards. (Smile) She had been arrested the week before for driving her golf cart while intoxicated. (Smile again).
The Villages has gained a reputation as a notorious boomtown for boomers who want to spend their golden years with access to 11 a.m. happy hours, thousands of activities, and no-strings-attached sex, all lorded over by one elusive billionaire.
It’s “The Friendliest Town in America!” except that no one who lives there is from there. The demographic is as you would expect – predominantly white and overwhelmingly Republican. The largest demographic is from Pittsburgh. Those who live and will likely die there feel they’ve earned the right to indulge themselves.
Cool. Disney World for old people!
Is The Villages a super size, reinvigorated vision of the American dream, or a caricature, or is there’s even a difference? The question everyone must try to answer is a scary one: How do we want to finish our lives?
So when you call mom or dad down in Florida every Saturday and you ask them what they’ve been doing……….you may not get all the facts. And you may not want to know. So don’t pry.